if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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