Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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