Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
