I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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