he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My vagina just recognized that song.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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