Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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