Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize