I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
