I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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