Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
