I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
BRING THE BAGELS
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize