Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
YAS. BRING CRAB.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
