halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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