Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
