I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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