I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
