The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize