how can u be prego again
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
