my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My penis needs a shock collar
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
