apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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