The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize