i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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