i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
