Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
