Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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