Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
