Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
