I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
