Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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