I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
MIDGETS
????
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
