It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize