I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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