Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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