i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize