whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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