I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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