you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
