i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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