these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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