If that was your dad, he is hot
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Threesome in a minivan. New low
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
