you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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