my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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