Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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