I wish I could punch you in the face.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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