I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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