He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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