Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Redeem this text for a blowjob
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
there is puke in my bra ... again
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