I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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