I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
