Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
