i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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