i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
