So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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