Me. At least after what I've been through.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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