WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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