i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
