my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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