Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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