you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
