sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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