last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
