If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
