She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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