Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
