dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
