i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
